As I prepared myself for motherhood, I knew that sleep deprivation would be part of the picture. What I didn’t expect was insanity.
Since the night we brought Trey home from the hospital, he has slept in his crib in his own room. He has not slept in our bed at all. After about a week of waking up several times in the middle of the night to breastfeed, I began to go a little crazy. I woke up one night, looking under the sheets and patting William on the back. I was looking for Trey. Awoken by the patting, William kindly explained to me that Trey was in his own crib (as evidenced by his gurgles on the monitor). Another night, I was patting William. He woke up and asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was patting Trey. Over the course of the next week, this continued.
I hit an all time low with the “invisible baby,” when I thought Trey was in the bed with me one night. Although I knew something wasn’t quite right, I picked “him” up and walked to Trey’s bedroom with cradled arms. When I approached Trey’s crib, I saw him lying there. I was incredibly confused. I half knew that I was imagining the baby in my arms, but I also didn’t want to drop “the baby” on the floor. I gingerly place it in the crib, and picked up Trey.
For a few nights, the craziness subsided. Then, William walked into the room the other night (having a difficulty time falling asleep himself) to find me lifting up the comforter and sheets. I started crying. I thought…and could swear I felt…the comforter was moving as if Trey were underneath. William once again assured me that Trey was in his own crib. I wish I could explain what goes on in my head during these episodes. All I can say is that I am stuck somewhere between dreamland and reality, remembering what happened, but not having enough sense to snap out of it quickly. Oh, I need sleep.